rambling thoughts on grief and joy and beauty

 {source}

Just a few random thoughts on my mind today...

Life has slowly but surely been getting back to normal over here. This is the first week that has felt like a typical one since the miscarriage- no one visiting, no one moving (one of my best friends moved away last week), lots of normal things to do like laundry and making dinner and taking care of my kids. It feels really good to be doing normal things. But it also feels strange. The way life is just moving on while my heart is still stuck in one place.

Daytime is pretty easy. I keep busy with Audrey and Elliot, and busy with the endless to-list around the house. It is nighttime that is hard. Really hard. Ever since that first week, I have had trouble at night. When the house is quiet and still, my thoughts go crazy. Seemingly little things always set me off. Last night it was seeing a friend from highschool's ultrasound picture on facebook; a couple of nights ago it was flipping to the month of August in my planner and seeing every Thursday of the month with bold numbers on it- 10, 11, 12, 13. Each number signifying how many weeks pregnant I would be that particular week. Thankfully (I am so so thankful) I had only marked August, not the rest of the year!

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am a night owl, through and through. I might be sleepy all day, but when the evening comes, I wake up. It is always my most productive time of day. But the last couple of weeks, once the kids are in bed and the sun goes down, I have gotten so mopey and depressed. Usually I read a lot at night, or work on my photography + editing, but I have had no motivation. I have been weepy and emotional. Tired, yet not tired enough to sleep. And I have been doing the silliest things to deal with it. Instead of being productive (cleaning, organizing, homeschool planning, editing photos) or at least doing something fun + happy (blogging, reading good books, spending time with the Lord or Erik), I have been watching ridiculous cheesy movies (I am embarrassed to admit that last night it was High School Musical 2...what?) and feeling sorry for myself. And while I know that this is just part of the process- I am grieving and it is alright to feel sad- I am starting to feel really worn out by all the sadness.

This morning the Lord reminded me of something. On January 1st of this year, I chose a little word to focus on in 2011: JOY. It was the first time I have ever felt like picking a word of the year and making it mine. I felt so strongly in my heart that this was going to be the year that I really learned what joy is and how to make it real in my life.

I haven't really kept up with blogging my journey with joy this year and I'm not sure why because God has taught me so much. And I see more clearly every day His amazing sovereignty in teaching me everything He did in the months leading up to this summer and the past few weeks. Everything He taught me about His love and His goodness and what joy truly is have been such a gift and given me so much hope as I have walked through this hard season. And I feel really strongly that I need to share more of my story, more of this journey I have been on this year to find joy. It is going to take some time- to sort out all of my thoughts and write it all out- but I promise to do it soon. The beginning of the story starts here.

That little reminder this morning, of how I asked God to teach me joy this year, has been on my mind and heart all day. I feel loved by the Lord and He has given me so much grace during this time. But I also feel really convicted- to take what I have learned and really allow the God to fill me with joy, even now while I am still grieving. But how?

I know a huge part of it will come by spending time with God, pouring out my heart to Him and reading His Word. I need time with Him more than ever right now, to keep my heart in the right perspective on His love and His plan for my life. Not to mention, I truly believe that He has so much He wants to teach me right now if I will only let Him. And I know so well that He is the one and only source of true joy.

But what else can I do? Especially during the evenings when I am hit with the grief the hardest?

I need to find beauty. I need to create beauty. My dear friend Rebekah wrote the most amazing, beautiful guest post today over on our friend Annalea's blog. I felt so inspired and challenged when I read about how she has used finding and creating beauty to bring joy to her days. It is such a simple truth- I mean finding beauty (especially through photography) is already a huge part of my life. My blog is named Beautiful Ordinary Day for that very reason! But I think sometimes I get so caught up in finding beauty and less focused on actually creating beauty. Being a stay-at-home mama and a wife gives me so many wonderful opportunities to create beauty in my home and for those I love. I have a feeling that if I focus on that a little more, I will find even more joy.

I'll let you know how it goes...

hello August

 {photo via}

Hello August.

Hello to things slowly getting back to normal.

Hello huge piles of laundry and grocery lists a mile long.

Hello to finally making that summer to-do list with the kids. Only one more month of slow summery days left and I want to soak them up for all their worth.

Hello to grilling every single night we can.

Hello to swimming pools and park splash pads.

Hello to curriculum planning for our upcoming year of preschool and kindergarten.

Hello to taking the time to process everything from the past two weeks. Life has felt a little bit surreal and I really need to slow down and allow myself to reflect more.

Hello to getting the privilege of shooting my childhood best friend's wedding at the end of the month. I seriously can't wait.

Hello to lots of trip to our favorite farm and u-pick berries and tomatoes.

Hello to a possible camping trip as a family. Hoping, hoping it actually happens.

Hello homemade popsicles. Do you have any good recipes to share?

Hello to finally getting around to organizing our hall closet. It needs it. Big time.

Hello to visits from dear friends.

Hello to busting out the camera as much as possible this month. I have hardly touched it the past two weeks and that feels so weird.

Hello to actually finishing my book club book in time to host it in a few weeks.

Hello to trying to see the sunrise at least once this month.

Hello August. I am so glad you are here.

today

Today I still can't believe that I photographed my very first wedding this last Saturday! It was such an incredible day and such a huge honor! Thank you Bob + Andi for trusting me with your special day! And thank you so much to my dear friend Chelle who was my second shooter. She was amazing and we had so much fun together! And now I have about a bazillion photos to edit...

Today I still can't believe how absolutely exhausted and sore I was when I woke up on Sunday morning. I seriously did not expect that. Who knew that being a wedding photographer was such a good workout?

Today I am taking a deep breath. The past week and a half have been absolutely CRAZY! This is what the past 10 days have looked like- family comes into town to celebrate E + E's birthdays, Elliot's 4th birthday party, a big extended family birthday party, Erik's birthday, Elliot's birthday, and then the wedding. And we still have our 11th anniversary to celebrate this Friday! Whew. It has all been so much fun, but I am so so tired! And I feel so behind on everything- emails, phone calls, blog posts, editing...Looking forward to catching up on as much as I can this week!

Today I am loving our little garden. We finally got around to planting most of our seeds + plants yesterday; the start of our garden has been like a month long process! But we are not too focused on success with it this year- it is definitely one big experiment and we are having so much fun with it so far. So far our 16 little squares include sweet peas, a sunflower, peppers, daisies, two different kinds of lettuce, zinnias, basil, and zucchini. I am still planning on planting some strawberries, tomatoes, butter lettuce, and one more kind of flower.

Today I am loving the sunshine! It is finally (finally!) feeling like summer today!

Today my kids pulled the living room curtains completely down while they were playing "ballet recital". I wasn't too happy about that.

Today I feel like one more cup of coffee.

Today I am hoping to catch up on our enormous pile of dirty laundry downstairs.

Today I was sad about sending back the wonderful lens I rented for the wedding. It was pretty sweet. I was not at all sad about sending back the flash I rented though. I don't know if it was me and my lack of knowledge or the flash itself, but we did not have the best of relationships. As someone who has steered clear of flash photography of any kind the past few years, it was hard for me to embrace it for an indoor wedding. Any flash photography tips, dear photographer friends? If I am going to keep on shooting weddings, I definitely need more practice in that area. Oh, and if you are looking for any kind of camera equipment to rent, I had a really great experience with BorrowLenses! Super fast shipping, a big selection, and excellent customer service!

Today I still can't stop thinking about this post from a couple of weeks ago. So so convicting.

Today I am trying not to finish all the hot tamales leftover from Elliot's birthday party.

Today I am trying to think of a sweet baby shower gift for a sweet friend's shower tomorrow night. They are in the midst of both an overseas adoption AND an overseas move right now, so I want to think of something that will really, really bless her. And if you think of it, please pray for them. I can't even imagine going through as much transition as they are facing the next couple of months!

Today I wish the day had 10 more hours than it did.

Today I can't seem to keep Elliot from turning on the water outside. And I don't trust him with a spray hose in his hands.

Today Audrey is busy washing her dolls' clothes outside in a bucket. She was inspired by this book.

Today I am loving loving loving all of the beautiful photography here and the beautiful videos here. So inspiring! This one is my very favorite.

Today this post ended up being a lot longer and wordy than I meant it to be.

Today I have a million + one more things to say, but I need to turn off the computer and get to work!

What are you up to today?

P.S. Check back here later tonight for my latest Dinner at Eight post, just a couple of days late...

over last weekend :: part one (the family edition)

Avocado toast for Saturday lunch. It is one of Audrey + my favorites. Just avocado, bread, and a little salt + pepper. Perfect. 

I spent an insane amount of time driving around on Saturday afternoon from store to store looking for all the components of the soil for our square foot garden. I should have called ahead, but oh, well. In the end, I was super proud of how inexpensively I was able to buy everything! 

A Saturday evening park date with the cousins. They really enjoyed watching the daddies play tennis.And we are all really loving summertime weather and how much more often we are seeing each other!

Sweet Hollyn Joy.

Audrey and her lovely braids that I can't get enough of.

My first full weekend of flip-flop wearing because it was finally warm enough. Yay! 

Packaging photo disks to go to sweet clients.

My little helper. She was in charge of stapling. 

All of our garden stuff mixed in with the kids' toys. Our Sunday morning was spent mixing up the soil for our garden, and was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the whole process! Maybe I do have a green thumb after all! We'll see...

Mr. Elliot playing with one of my favorite purchases from Farm Chicks on Sunday afternoon (more details +  photos about that to come in part two!). Who knew that a typewriter would be the perfect thing to entertain an almost four year old boy? He loves it! 

How was your weekend, dear friends?

over last weekend

Just in time before a new weekend arrives! 

A little sneak peek from a super, super sweet family shoot I did out of town last weekend. This family was seriously as fun and darling in person as they look in this picture!  (And there are lots more to come soon, Cherish! I promise!) 

Another sneak peek from another darling family shoot I did on the same day. This family also happened to include a really dear friend of mine who I hardly ever get to see. It was such a blessing to be able to catch up in person a bit! 

Audrey Bug helping me make food for Erik and my date. She was buttering garlic bread.

Our pasta sauce cooking.

My sweet husband working on the wood frame for our square foot garden.

The frame in it's new home.

A beautiful tree in our yard. I love spring so much.

A + E's plants from preschool that are going to be transplanted soon into our backyard garden. Elliot's is a sweet pea, Audrey's is a sunflower.

Our date.

Getting to see this lovely friend again at the tail-end of her girls' weekend with my sister-in-laws- Amy + Kelsey. I love that I am not the only one in my family who has met some of my very best friends through blogging! 

The four sisters together. I also got to meet Courtney for the very first time. (Here is a little background about how they all met...)

Kelsey + her twin! 

The grandkids following their great-grandpa Opa out on a hike on my in-laws' property. 

Jenn and her sweet Ashlyn.

Memorial Day BBQ at a dear friend's. I love how she decorates her back patio. 

Yummy food.

And the best cherry pie I have ever, ever tasted. 

What are you up to this weekend? 
Hope you have a great one! 

today

Today I am loving putting my Pandora on "Quickmix". So, so good.
Today my little family is blissfully happy to be able to play outside all day long. Mama is too. That is until the rain sends us inside...
Today I am still pretty excited about that little change (see photo above) I made recently. A dear friend said it best when she said, "And this from the girl who won't even dye her hair!?"
Today I am putting the final touches on part two of this week's Dinner at Eight. (I know I promised to post it today, but I'm sorry to say, you'll just have to wait until Monday!)
Today was my little ones' preschool picnic. Audrey had so much fun running around like crazy with her friends; Elliot was cold and clingy.
Today I am prepping for a busy day with tomorrow with two family photoshoots out of town. I am super behind in posting shoots on my photography blog, so if you want to take a peek at what I've been up to lately, please check out my facebook page!
Today I am dreaming about planting our squarefoot garden this weekend. If only the rain will hold out...
Today my heart is aching a lot for situations that I just have to keep on putting in God's hands.
Today I am so grateful for all this beautiful book has been teaching me about trust.
Today I am seriously savoring leftovers of this yummy dessert that a dear friend made for me yesterday (you have to try that frosting- it.is.amazing!). She filled up my heart and my stomach!
Today this was just the reminder I needed.
Today I am looking forward to a long weekend.
Today I am so excited for church this Sunday. Our sermon series on Jonah has been just what I have needed to hear lately.
Today I want to make one of these. Actually I wish I could make one for each and every one of you!
Today I loved seeing this sweet friend's kids' bedroom on Ohdeedoh! So exciting!
Today I am getting super nervous and super excited about shooting my first wedding in THREE weeks!
Today I am dreaded (with a capital D) a dear friend's upcoming move.
Today I am loving going to the teeny tiny library versus the bigger one we usually go to. The little space is so much easier to handle with both kids- I never have to worry about them running off and getting lost, which equals a lot less stress for mama! Now if only it were closer...
Today I am really, really wishing for a running buddy.
Today I can't wait to share with you all the God has been working on in my heart lately. Hopefully I can get around to sharing a little more next week...
Today I am wishing for that lovely peony plant that I saw at Costco last night. Oh, it was so lovely.
Today I am hoping that all of you have a wonderful wonderful weekend!

What are you up to today?

over the weekend...

My beautiful girl's ballet recital. She was amazing.

Scouting photo locations with a bride for an upcoming June wedding.

Connect Four.

All the lovely flowers Audrey got from sweet friends + family at her recital.

Lots of baths because outside playtime = dirty kids!

Digging outside in the yard with daddy.

More Connect Four...we were kind of obsessed with it this weekend!

How was your weekend?

May 23

I love walking into scenes like these. The two of them playing so happily and peacefully together. This does not happen all the time- we definitely have our fair share of fighting + arguing!  But peeking into little moments like this make my mama heart so, so happy.

today

Today I am so glad we had leftover Roasted Vegetable Quesadillas from last night. I had them for lunch and they were awesome.
Today I love listening to my little ones play + laugh together.
Today I finally found the perfect Easter dress for Audrey.
Today I am still reflecting back on church this last Sunday. It was so good. I really, really love our church.
Today I am really hoping to catch up on emails....
Today I am still feeling pretty blissed out about my brand new camera.
Today I am trying to slow down and really think about Jesus + what Easter is really all about.
Today I owe at least five people phone calls.
Today I am feeling so very blessed.
Today I am going to try to workout. It has been waaaaaaaay too long.
Today I am feeling so happy about this sweet girl finally being here!
Today I just want to sit and read the new book I started yesterday. Really lovely so far.
Today I am loving Audrey's hair in two braids. They make me smile every time I see them.
Today I am thinking about making these for my man tonight.
Today I wish I was better at blog commenting. Kind of goes hand in hand with my emailing struggle...
Today I am feeling so overwhelmed by how good God is.
Today I am feeling completely pursued by Him.
Today I miss friends who live too far away.
Today I am really trying hard not to eat too much sugar.
Today I love seeing how God answers prayers.
Today my almost four year old is testing me BIG TIME.
Today I am shooting for an early bedtime for the kids. Yes, that would be a very, very good idea.
Today I am looking forward to watching Parenthood tonight. Can you tell I am a little bit obsessed with that show?
Today I love hearing Elliot talk about Jesus. My favorite is when he tells the story of Jesus calming the sea and says, "Peace, be still,"  but it comes out more like, "Peas be thill." I just love him.
Today I can't stop thinking about what love really is. Studying the book of 1 John is teaching + convicting me so much.
Today I hear birds singing outside.
Today I still can't get over the snow we had yesterday. It was so weird!
Today I am really glad we haven't planted our garden yet. It would have froze yesterday.
Today I have a million and one photos to edit. I think editing is the most overwhelming part of being a photographer.
Today is slipping by and what do I have to show for it?
Today I am taking lots of deep breaths.
Today I am feeling content.

today

Today I woke up super tired.
Today I decided that coffee was a good choice, even though it usually makes me more sleepy.
Today my little Mister is more than just a little bit whiny + needy. Patience mama, patience.
Today I am super excited about this perfect quiche recipe we tried last night.
Today I am wondering when I will get the call to pick up Annabelle + Jack because their sweet mama is in labor. 
Today I am catching up on my reading of this beautiful book for Bible study tomorrow. We are discussing Chapter 6.
Today I have to run to the store just because we are almost out of toilet paper. Annoying.
Today we are having tacos for dinner.
Today I am praying for friends who need healing, friends who are hurting, friends who need new homes + new jobs, friends who need miracles.
Today I am trying to be more consistent with my kids.
Today I am asking God for lots of grace.
Today my sweet Audrey surprised me by making my bed all by herself. I was so proud of her!
Today I need to catch up on emails. If you know me, you know this is a HUGE struggle of mine.
Today I am thinking about homeschool curriculum. I secretly kind of love it. And yes, I am a little bit nerdy like that.
Today I am dreaming about a new camera.
Today I am going to attempt to fold the gigantic pile of laundry on my bed.
Today my kids are fascinated by some guys from the city working on a street drain by our house.
Today Audrey is obsessed with watercolor painting.
Today I am meditating on 1 John 2:5b,6- "This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did."
Today I am getting excited about our April home project: painting our kitchen cupboards white. I have been dreaming about it ever since we moved in 10 1/2 months ago!
Today I am loving this sweet friend's lovely etsy shop.
Today I am feeling sad that I will miss the B'ham girls' 3rd Annual Girls' Weekend. Bummer. Super bummer.
Today I am listening to the Mumford + Sons station on Pandora. Lovely.
Today I am planning + dreaming about our summer garden. This book, these posts by this dear friend, + these posts by this dear friend are my inspiration.
Today I am scheming about my next Dinner at Eight date. Post coming next Thursday!
Today I am loving the inductive Bible study I am doing on 1 John. It is so so good. I will try to write more about it soon.
Today we (Erik + I) are watching Survivor. And then maybe catching up on Parenthood from last night. Parenthood is my very favorite show.
Today I am going to try to find Jesus and beauty in everything.
Today I might make my favorite chocolate-chip cookies.
Today I am super thankful for washable paint. And diet Coke.
Today is going to be a good day.

thank you

{via} 

Dear friends, 

Thank you so, so much for your kind and encouraging words in response to my last post! I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate all of your love and prayers and support. Every single comment made me feel so very loved.

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart!

xo

Andi

a few reminders for me

{a favorite photo of me + my little family taken by the lovely Leslie}

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness."

- Lamentations 3:22-23

“Finish every day {or yesterday, in my case!} and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” 

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."

-Galatians 6:9

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Oh, friends. It has totally been one of those weeks. You know the ones, right? Please tell me you do! The ones where it feels like the messes are continuous, your little ones are struggling, your patience is teeny tiny, and your frustrations have manifested themselves more times than you care to admit? Oh, my. Totally ready for the weekend over here and daddy being home all day every day.

Been thinking about these verses + quote all morning. 

Today is going to be a GOOD DAY. It really truly is. Or least, I am going to do everything in my power to make it be one! But if you think of it, would you mind praying for some extra grace + energy + patience for this tired mama? 

P.S. Thank you thank you ever so much for your sweet welcome here in my new space! I didn't mean to let a whole week go by without posting...I truly am so glad that you have all joined me here!