dear baby

Dear Baby,

We found out about you on a hot June afternoon, the day before our 11th anniversary. You had been wished for, hoped for, but your coming happened much sooner than we had expected. And we were so happy.

We planned on keeping you a secret for awhile. Something to treasure and whisper and plan about just Daddy and I for at least a month. But the secret of you quickly came out to your big brother and sister, some family, and a few friends. A part of me regretted each little whisper about you, wanting to steal it back. Because a part of me was fearful of the "what if". But who really thinks that the "what if" is going to happen to them?

We learned of you just a little less than three weeks ago. You were so tiny, only 7 1/2 weeks, but you had already completely stolen our hearts, and our little family had begun to dream of life as a family of five. What it would be like, look like? Whose room you would share? Big sister's booster seat moving to the back of the van to make room for your infant car seat. Planning an easy homeschool curriculum for this upcoming school year because I would be so busy and so pregnant. A March 1 due date with the slight possibility of being a leap year baby.

You were and are so very, very loved.

This last Sunday morning I started to have signs that something was not right. I immediately knew. You were gone. You were my third baby, my third pregnancy and I just knew. I went to church, tried to go about my day, but by late afternoon there was no denying it anymore. I just cried and cried. I loved you and wanted you so much.

Daddy took me to the hospital, while sweet friends took care of your brother and sister. Part of me wanted to go to the hospital, to have confirmation of what I already knew to be true. Sometimes it is better to know than to not know and just question. But part of me just wanted to run away, to avoid facing the reality that we had lost you.

The wait was long and hard. But I am grateful for that time the Daddy and I had together to process everything just the two of us. By the time we finally got called back to a private room though, I didn't have any questions anymore and just wanted to go home. But we saw a doctor and had the ultrasound. Saw the truth that you were gone.

It still feels so surreal.

They tried to leave me with hope. That maybe I wasn't as far along with you as I thought I was. Maybe the bleeding was just an infection that could be treated with antibiotics. To see my doctor in a couple of days for more tests and maybe it would be alright.

But I knew. And I am grateful for that. That the Lord gave me the intuition to just know.

We went home in a daze. So physically and emotionally exhausted that we just collapsed in bed and went right to sleep. The past three days have been a blur of crying and tiredness, feeling okay and not feeling okay. Wanting to talk and be with loved ones, and wanting to hide and be alone. I know all of these feelings are normal and to be expected. But it is not me. This doesn't feel like my life.

I know and trust God that He is good and that He has a reason and plan for everything. That He sees the big picture and know what is best for me. Best for my little family. Best for you, our sweet baby. I know that He is a loving God who is incapable of doing anything that is not out of love. I know these things to not only be true on paper, in the Bible, but true in my life, true in my heart. I have seen evidence of them, of Him in so many things this past year, and specifically these past few months. He is good. He is loving. And I am clinging to what I know to be true.

Even in knowing those things though, it doesn't make it less hard. It doesn't make it any easier. At least for now. But it does give me hope. Hope that joy will come in the morning and that beauty will rise out of ashes. Because I know the Lord and know that He does not leave us in our pain and sorrow. 

Blessed be your Name
In the land that is plentiful 
Where Your streams of abundance flow 
Blessed be Your name 

Blessed Be Your name 
When I'm found in the desert place 
Though I walk through the wilderness 
Blessed Be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise 
When the darkness closes in, Lord 
Still I will say 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 

Blessed be Your name 
When the sun's shining down on me 
When the world's 'all as it should be' 
Blessed be Your name 

Blessed be Your name 
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise 
When the darkness closes in, Lord 
Still I will say 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 

You give and take away 
You give and take away 
My heart will choose to say 
Lord, blessed be Your name
Matt Redman
(listen to the song HERE)

Oh, how I love you, little one. So much. You are so so missed.
Love, Mama