dear baby


Dear Baby,

We found out about you on a hot June afternoon, the day before our 11th anniversary. You had been wished for, hoped for, but your coming happened much sooner than we had expected. And we were so happy.

We planned on keeping you a secret for awhile. Something to treasure and whisper and plan about just Daddy and I for at least a month. But the secret of you quickly came out to your big brother and sister, some family, and a few friends. A part of me regretted each little whisper about you, wanting to steal it back. Because a part of me was fearful of the "what if". But who really thinks that the "what if" is going to happen to them?

We learned of you just a little less than three weeks ago. You were so tiny, only 7 1/2 weeks, but you had already completely stolen our hearts, and our little family had begun to dream of life as a family of five. What it would be like, look like? Whose room you would share? Big sister's booster seat moving to the back of the van to make room for your infant car seat. Planning an easy homeschool curriculum for this upcoming school year because I would be so busy and so pregnant. A March 1 due date with the slight possibility of being a leap year baby.

You were and are so very, very loved.

This last Sunday morning I started to have signs that something was not right. I immediately knew. You were gone. You were my third baby, my third pregnancy and I just knew. I went to church, tried to go about my day, but by late afternoon there was no denying it anymore. I just cried and cried. I loved you and wanted you so much.

Daddy took me to the hospital, while sweet friends took care of your brother and sister. Part of me wanted to go to the hospital, to have confirmation of what I already knew to be true. Sometimes it is better to know than to not know and just question. But part of me just wanted to run away, to avoid facing the reality that we had lost you.

The wait was long and hard. But I am grateful for that time the Daddy and I had together to process everything just the two of us. By the time we finally got called back to a private room though, I didn't have any questions anymore and just wanted to go home. But we saw a doctor and had the ultrasound. Saw the truth that you were gone.

It still feels so surreal.

They tried to leave me with hope. That maybe I wasn't as far along with you as I thought I was. Maybe the bleeding was just an infection that could be treated with antibiotics. To see my doctor in a couple of days for more tests and maybe it would be alright.

But I knew. And I am grateful for that. That the Lord gave me the intuition to just know.

We went home in a daze. So physically and emotionally exhausted that we just collapsed in bed and went right to sleep. The past three days have been a blur of crying and tiredness, feeling okay and not feeling okay. Wanting to talk and be with loved ones, and wanting to hide and be alone. I know all of these feelings are normal and to be expected. But it is not me. This doesn't feel like my life.

I know and trust God that He is good and that He has a reason and plan for everything. That He sees the big picture and know what is best for me. Best for my little family. Best for you, our sweet baby. I know that He is a loving God who is incapable of doing anything that is not out of love. I know these things to not only be true on paper, in the Bible, but true in my life, true in my heart. I have seen evidence of them, of Him in so many things this past year, and specifically these past few months. He is good. He is loving. And I am clinging to what I know to be true.

Even in knowing those things though, it doesn't make it less hard. It doesn't make it any easier. At least for now. But it does give me hope. Hope that joy will come in the morning and that beauty will rise out of ashes. Because I know the Lord and know that He does not leave us in our pain and sorrow. 

Blessed be your Name
In the land that is plentiful 
Where Your streams of abundance flow 
Blessed be Your name 

Blessed Be Your name 
When I'm found in the desert place 
Though I walk through the wilderness 
Blessed Be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise 
When the darkness closes in, Lord 
Still I will say 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 

Blessed be Your name 
When the sun's shining down on me 
When the world's 'all as it should be' 
Blessed be Your name 

Blessed be Your name 
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise 
When the darkness closes in, Lord 
Still I will say 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 

You give and take away 
You give and take away 
My heart will choose to say 
Lord, blessed be Your name
Matt Redman
(listen to the song HERE)

Oh, how I love you, little one. So much. You are so so missed.
Love, Mama

36 comments:

  1. I wish I could be there to hug you and hold you...and just be your mommy...
    Giving God his due glory, even in such a sorrowful time, because you see Him and know him for who He is - a loving, merciful and gracious Father - Almighty God.
    God's word says, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." I am grateful for the promises of God's word, and will pray for His continued comfort for you and Erik.
    Love, your Mama

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  2. Andi, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
    I could feel your pain and gentle love toward the baby by reading above article. I pray for God's comfort over your family during this time.
    Love and prayer.

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  3. oh andi, im heart broken for you & your family. ive had two miscarriages, one at 5wks & one at 10wks, i am so familiar with the heartache that comes with losing something you love so dearly. the comfort i had was knowing that there was a reason... maybe i didnt understand why, but there was. i will be sending thoughts of comfort & peace to you & your family.

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  4. Friend, I have no words to tell you how beautiful I think this letter to your baby is...and as the tears roll down my cheeks, and as hard as it is to know you are hurting so deeply, I bow my heart with yours and worship, knowing that He only ever allows all things out of His perfect love for us...and to see you trusting Him,and experiencing this right now is just so amazing.
    I love you.xo

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  5. Oh Andi! I'm so, so sorry! I too have lost a baby and it is so devastating and very hard to understand. You start dreaming and planning the minute you find out about the life growing inside of you. Take all the time you need to mourn this very real lose. Some people will not understand, but I'm sure there will be many people around you who will be there to just listen or let you cry on their shoulders. Our Father will give you the comfort and peace to get you through this difficult time. Praying for you in tears....
    Love, Katie
    P.S. - thank you for sharing your beautiful letter to your baby. I was in tears!

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  6. I'm so sorry Andi. So very sorry. May God's peace be with you today and help heal. Please know that I'm praying for you and thinking of you, wishing I could bring over dinner, and give you a hug, hold your hand, cry some tears with you.
    Your letter is beautiful and a fitting way to remember a precious little life. And some day, in heaven, we can all hold these sweet little babies that we've lost here on earth.
    many hugs,
    xoxo

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  7. Oh, Andi! I'm so, so sorry. How difficult and heartbreaking. I'm praying for you as you lean into God, that He would grant you more and more peace every day.

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  8. andi, thanks for sharing your letter. i am so sorry for your loss. i have been thinking about you nonstop stince i head the news. i will be praying for you and your family.

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  9. three years ago this month, our third son was born to heaven. at only 18 weeks.
    the loss is real. the pain is real.
    i'll share the advice a dear friend told me-there will be those who don't understand, who say hurtful things. plan now to forgive them before the words are said.
    all the days ordained for us are written before one ever comes to be. (psalms 139ish) those days end here on earth, but go on forever in heaven. i know you have that hope.
    i am sorry for your loss.
    never be afraid to be real and share. stuffing it hurts worse in the end. i am so sorry.

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  10. Oh, sweet friend, I'm so sorry! Sending your beautiful family a lot of love and prayers.

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  11. Dear Andi, I am so sorry for your loss. You have a wonderful family and so much support that I hope all the love helps warm your heart as you work through this. You are so loved.

    <3 Lauren

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  12. Crying with you...Love you. I hope that your joy will be restored to you in time. May His angels minister to you and the Holy Spirit fill your wounded heart.

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  13. Andi, my heart is hurting with yours :( I am so sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing your letter to your baby, allowing us to walk through your joy, love, sorrow & the start of your healing right alongside you! Please know I am praying for you that the Lord will wrap His hands around your family & give you a peace that passes all understanding at this time. Hugs to you!!

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  14. Oh, Andi, I am so sorry. I wish I could have hugged you longer on Sunday. We will be praying for you as you grieve your little one. Let me know if you need to talk or have someone to cry with.

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  15. Dear grand-baby~
    Your mama has tenderly scribed from her heart for you and has allowed all to see and know; her words of lament speak of love for you in the language of beauty and worship.

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  16. oh Andi I am mourning with you so deeply I know this little one was such a blessed gift, you will be reunited with your baby in glory one day - I am praying for you and my heart is undone with sadness for your loss. Stay present in HIS love for you He is holding you and your family (all five) today!! I love you dear friend your ever present on my heart.

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  17. sending prayers and hugs for the Lord of Creation to surround you and comfort you- i too know this type of profound loss- you are not alone andi.

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  18. Andi, My tears are with you and my love. How beautiful your letter to your precious baby is. I am praying so much for you today that Jesus holds you in a very special way.

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  19. I am more impressed every time I encounter you with your beautiful character, your courage and your trust in God through all things. This just hurts so much and I'm not even the one going through this, but dear friend I am with you in your hurt and in prayer and in the hope that you will find your joy again very soon. I love you so much, more than I could tell you in a tiny comment box. If nothing else today, just know that you are treasured and loved by so many. Even more so by God who has perfect timing. Precious friend, this was so very brave of you.

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  20. I'm so very sorry, Andi. This is heartbreaking.
    Love, Anna J.

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  21. Andi,
    This post made me wish I had done something like this when I lost my fourth baby...your words are so beautiful. I completely understand what you are going through and will go through as March rolls around. I only pray you will be pregnant again so that your grief can be changed over to hope. I'm sure you have plenty of people to talk to but the offer stands...I only know too well how you feel today.

    Nicole

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  22. you have such a beautiful heart. beautiful in how you bless His name through your grief and tears. i love you andi......i am here for you.

    christa

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  23. This is beautiful Andi - your heart is beautiful. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and just know I love you and am continuing to pray for you.

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  24. I am so sorry, Andi. Praying for you now, and feeling blessed by your courageous, beautiful, honest heart. You are sharing such a precious gift with others by sharing your story--your pain, your hope, your belief in a good, trustworthy God. He is holding your family in his arms of love.

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  25. Lots of tears for you this week. Praying for you every day as I drive to swim practice and pass your sweet, old house. Your letter is beautiful and your baby was already so precious to us in our hearts, too. We are heartbroken with you. I am here if you need to call. Sending much love through our tears.

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  26. Andi,
    I am just so, so sorry - for you and your little family. That sweet baby was so lucky to have you as a mama for even a short time...you're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sending lots of love and good wishes.....xoxo, Christy

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  27. oh Andi... I missed this...
    I'd been praying and wondering.. and praying...

    and yet here you were... exposed and beautiful.. and honest.

    I love you dear friend, and your mothers heart.. and praying that our beautiful savior carries you more than ever before.

    I love you.

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  28. Oh Andi I hope you feel all the prayers covering your family today and as you go through this and that you can feel the strength of Jesus wrapped around you. God Bless you!

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  29. God loved your baby so much that he had to have your baby in heaven with him. May you know the peace, love, and comfort of God's arms around you, Andi.
    Cherish

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  30. I love you Andi. I am so sorry you are in this, but so proud of your courage.

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  31. oh! i had no idea.. and i have no words! I'm so sorry Andi..
    tears over here for you right now!
    and prayer too!
    xxx

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  32. Dear Andi, I'm so sorry, and will be praying for you and your family. This letter is so beautifully transparent and brimful of love. xo

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  33. So many tears for you and your sweet baby. I know it took courage to post this for the public to read but it is so beautifully written that I know God will use it in other's lives. God bless you.

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  34. What a precious letter, Andi. The words of that song are such a good reminder, especially for those who have suffered any kind of loss. This holiday weekend we *would have* celebrated a sweet baby's 1st birthday, so your feelings really hit home in a special way. Thankful that He can fill us with his indescribable peace and comfort on the days when the sun doesn't seem to shine. And that He has brought you to the place where you are today, in 2012!

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