Just a few random thoughts on my mind today...
Life has slowly but surely been getting back to normal over here. This is the first week that has felt like a typical one since the miscarriage- no one visiting, no one moving (one of my best friends moved away last week), lots of normal things to do like laundry and making dinner and taking care of my kids. It feels really good to be doing normal things. But it also feels strange. The way life is just moving on while my heart is still stuck in one place.
Daytime is pretty easy. I keep busy with Audrey and Elliot, and busy with the endless to-list around the house. It is nighttime that is hard. Really hard. Ever since that first week, I have had trouble at night. When the house is quiet and still, my thoughts go crazy. Seemingly little things always set me off. Last night it was seeing a friend from highschool's ultrasound picture on facebook; a couple of nights ago it was flipping to the month of August in my planner and seeing every Thursday of the month with bold numbers on it- 10, 11, 12, 13. Each number signifying how many weeks pregnant I would be that particular week. Thankfully (I am so so thankful) I had only marked August, not the rest of the year!
Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am a night owl, through and through. I might be sleepy all day, but when the evening comes, I wake up. It is always my most productive time of day. But the last couple of weeks, once the kids are in bed and the sun goes down, I have gotten so mopey and depressed. Usually I read a lot at night, or work on my photography + editing, but I have had no motivation. I have been weepy and emotional. Tired, yet not tired enough to sleep. And I have been doing the silliest things to deal with it. Instead of being productive (cleaning, organizing, homeschool planning, editing photos) or at least doing something fun + happy (blogging, reading good books, spending time with the Lord or Erik), I have been watching ridiculous cheesy movies (I am embarrassed to admit that last night it was High School Musical 2...what?) and feeling sorry for myself. And while I know that this is just part of the process- I am grieving and it is alright to feel sad- I am starting to feel really worn out by all the sadness.
This morning the Lord reminded me of something. On January 1st of this year, I chose a little word to focus on in 2011: JOY. It was the first time I have ever felt like picking a word of the year and making it mine. I felt so strongly in my heart that this was going to be the year that I really learned what joy is and how to make it real in my life.
I haven't really kept up with blogging my journey with joy this year and I'm not sure why because God has taught me so much. And I see more clearly every day His amazing sovereignty in teaching me everything He did in the months leading up to this summer and the past few weeks. Everything He taught me about His love and His goodness and what joy truly is have been such a gift and given me so much hope as I have walked through this hard season. And I feel really strongly that I need to share more of my story, more of this journey I have been on this year to find joy. It is going to take some time- to sort out all of my thoughts and write it all out- but I promise to do it soon. The beginning of the story starts here.
That little reminder this morning, of how I asked God to teach me joy this year, has been on my mind and heart all day. I feel loved by the Lord and He has given me so much grace during this time. But I also feel really convicted- to take what I have learned and really allow the God to fill me with joy, even now while I am still grieving. But how?
I know a huge part of it will come by spending time with God, pouring out my heart to Him and reading His Word. I need time with Him more than ever right now, to keep my heart in the right perspective on His love and His plan for my life. Not to mention, I truly believe that He has so much He wants to teach me right now if I will only let Him. And I know so well that He is the one and only source of true joy.
But what else can I do? Especially during the evenings when I am hit with the grief the hardest?
I need to find beauty. I need to create beauty. My dear friend Rebekah wrote the most amazing, beautiful guest post today over on our friend Annalea's blog. I felt so inspired and challenged when I read about how she has used finding and creating beauty to bring joy to her days. It is such a simple truth- I mean finding beauty (especially through photography) is already a huge part of my life. My blog is named Beautiful Ordinary Day for that very reason! But I think sometimes I get so caught up in finding beauty and less focused on actually creating beauty. Being a stay-at-home mama and a wife gives me so many wonderful opportunities to create beauty in my home and for those I love. I have a feeling that if I focus on that a little more, I will find even more joy.
I'll let you know how it goes...
