waiting for Eliza

This is the post I have been intending to write this entire pregnancy. But I haven't. This is the post that has kept me from blogging all these months. I want so much to be honest and genuine in this space. To maintain a sweet balance of the happiness I truly do find in my "beautiful ordinary days", while at the same time not sugar-coating the hard times.

But sometimes it is really, really hard for me to find that balance.

So when I can't find it, I avoid it.

But here I sit 40 weeks, five days pregnant with our dear Eliza. A million and one thoughts are running through my head. Of course, at the forefront is how very anxious and excited I am to meet our sweet girl and to hold her in my arms! But in the back of my mind is also this nagging feeling of needing to try one last time before she is born to really write down some thoughts about my pregnancy with her.

So here I go. This might be messy...
 

July 17, 2011. We lost our sweet baby number three. Hands-down one of the hardest things that I have ever, ever gone through. Hands-down one of the hardest things my marriage has ever gone through. Even though I was only seven and a half weeks along, I grieved that baby like it was one that I had already met and held in my arms. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.

In the months that followed, I felt more depressed than I have ever felt. I am naturally a glass half-full kind of girl, an eternal optimist. But I didn't feel that hope and optimism for awhile. Just a whole lot of sadness.

But in late October, we found out we were pregnant again. And as crazy as it sounds, I felt my grief and sadness immediately replaced with so much joy. So much joy that I know it had to have come from God. It was such a night and day, 100% turn-around in my heart.

Yet even as I felt so much joy, I also felt fear.

Fear that kept me from wanting to announce my pregnancy to anyone for quite awhile- usually I shout it from the rooftops the second I know.

Fear that made every single doctor's appointment feel like I was walking the plank. Will we hear a heartbeat? What if they can't find it?

Fear that if I wasn't careful and protective, tried to steal every ounce of joy that this pregnancy gave me. 

I wish I could say that I was always faithful and intentional about giving the fear to the Lord.

Some days I was. And those were really, really good days. When I felt joy and hope and excitement about the new life that God was creating in me.

But I am sorry to say that too many days I kept the fear tightly clenched in my fists, afraid to give it to God, afraid to let go of control and just trust. 

I know in my heart that He truly knows what is best. That He is a God of love, only capable of operating out of His immense love for us. And that He is good.

But...

I have still been so scared.

I have longed for the days when I was pregnant with Audrey and Elliot and did not feel the weight of this fear. I was so naive then, never really thinking that anything bad could happen to us.

But in the midst of my fears, the Lord has been so patient and loving with me. I have felt Him gently reminding me, reassuring me of His love over and over again.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." LAMENTATIONS 3:22

I have felt Him replace my fear with joy and hope over and over and over again. 

And even though this journey of grief and loss and coping with fear is never one I would have chosen for myself, I am thankful for everything it has taught me. And I am so thankful that I have a God that I can put my hope in.

And I am feeling so blessed and so loved by Him for the gift that Eliza is. She truly does fill my heart with so much joy! 

In these last days as I have prepared to meet Eliza, there are two songs that I have been playing over and over again. These two songs fill me with so much hope and so much joy as I anticipate Eliza's birth and seeing her sweet face.
 

PSALM 46 

by Jenny + Tyler

The Lord is my refuge and strength
therefore I will not be afraid
though the mountains give way
and fall into the sea
He will come and rescue me

The Lord comes to me at break of day
He reaches down to guide me in His way
though the oceans roar
in this dark and stormy sea


He will come and rescue me

Halleluyah. He is with me
Halleluyah. We cannot be moved
Halleluyah. He is with me
Halleluyah. I rest secure.

Be still and know that He is God
He will be exalted over all
Come and behold His strength and majesty
yet he will come and rescue me

Halleluyah. He is with me

Halleluyah. We cannot be moved

Halleluyah. He is with me
Halleluyah. I rest secure.



YOUR GREAT NAME
by Natalie Grant




Lost are saved; find their way; 
at the sound of your great name  
All condemned; feel no shame, 
at the sound of your great name  
Every fear; has no place; 
at the sound of your great name  
The enemy; he has to leave;
 at the sound of your great name
 
Chorus: 
Jesus,
Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us,
Son of God and Man  
You are high and lifted up;
that all the world will praise your great name
 
All the weak; find their strength; 
at the sound of your great name 
Hungry souls; receive grace; 
at the sound of your great name 
The fatherless; they find their rest; 
at the sound of your great name 
 Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; 
at the sound of your great name
 
Chorus
 
Bridge: 
Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty  
My savior, Defender, You are My King
 
Chorus

thank you

Dear friends,

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your sweet comments and emails to the news of my miscarriage. I have been seriously overwhelmed by all the love and support my family and I have received over the past few days. Every single note, every single phone call, every single way that you have reached out has been such a huge encouragement and blessing; I am struggling to even put my gratefulness into words. Your kindness has offered me so much comfort and peace.

It may be awhile before I feel up to responding to you individually, before I feel up to writing and answering the phone. But please know that I am not ignoring you. I am just processing this in the best way I know how, day by day, moment by moment. I am heartbroken, but I feel the Lord so very near right now, and part of that is just in the outpouring of love from each of you.

We are being so taken care of in such beautiful and tangible ways. Sweet friends are bringing us meals every day (as well as Jamba Juice, flowers, treats, and shoulders to cry on!) and one of my dearest friends, who knows the pain of loss in a very real way herself, is here making sure I get the rest I need during the day while Erik is at work.

I am so thankful for all of you and love you all so much.
Love, Andi

dear baby

Dear Baby,

We found out about you on a hot June afternoon, the day before our 11th anniversary. You had been wished for, hoped for, but your coming happened much sooner than we had expected. And we were so happy.

We planned on keeping you a secret for awhile. Something to treasure and whisper and plan about just Daddy and I for at least a month. But the secret of you quickly came out to your big brother and sister, some family, and a few friends. A part of me regretted each little whisper about you, wanting to steal it back. Because a part of me was fearful of the "what if". But who really thinks that the "what if" is going to happen to them?

We learned of you just a little less than three weeks ago. You were so tiny, only 7 1/2 weeks, but you had already completely stolen our hearts, and our little family had begun to dream of life as a family of five. What it would be like, look like? Whose room you would share? Big sister's booster seat moving to the back of the van to make room for your infant car seat. Planning an easy homeschool curriculum for this upcoming school year because I would be so busy and so pregnant. A March 1 due date with the slight possibility of being a leap year baby.

You were and are so very, very loved.

This last Sunday morning I started to have signs that something was not right. I immediately knew. You were gone. You were my third baby, my third pregnancy and I just knew. I went to church, tried to go about my day, but by late afternoon there was no denying it anymore. I just cried and cried. I loved you and wanted you so much.

Daddy took me to the hospital, while sweet friends took care of your brother and sister. Part of me wanted to go to the hospital, to have confirmation of what I already knew to be true. Sometimes it is better to know than to not know and just question. But part of me just wanted to run away, to avoid facing the reality that we had lost you.

The wait was long and hard. But I am grateful for that time the Daddy and I had together to process everything just the two of us. By the time we finally got called back to a private room though, I didn't have any questions anymore and just wanted to go home. But we saw a doctor and had the ultrasound. Saw the truth that you were gone.

It still feels so surreal.

They tried to leave me with hope. That maybe I wasn't as far along with you as I thought I was. Maybe the bleeding was just an infection that could be treated with antibiotics. To see my doctor in a couple of days for more tests and maybe it would be alright.

But I knew. And I am grateful for that. That the Lord gave me the intuition to just know.

We went home in a daze. So physically and emotionally exhausted that we just collapsed in bed and went right to sleep. The past three days have been a blur of crying and tiredness, feeling okay and not feeling okay. Wanting to talk and be with loved ones, and wanting to hide and be alone. I know all of these feelings are normal and to be expected. But it is not me. This doesn't feel like my life.

I know and trust God that He is good and that He has a reason and plan for everything. That He sees the big picture and know what is best for me. Best for my little family. Best for you, our sweet baby. I know that He is a loving God who is incapable of doing anything that is not out of love. I know these things to not only be true on paper, in the Bible, but true in my life, true in my heart. I have seen evidence of them, of Him in so many things this past year, and specifically these past few months. He is good. He is loving. And I am clinging to what I know to be true.

Even in knowing those things though, it doesn't make it less hard. It doesn't make it any easier. At least for now. But it does give me hope. Hope that joy will come in the morning and that beauty will rise out of ashes. Because I know the Lord and know that He does not leave us in our pain and sorrow. 

Blessed be your Name
In the land that is plentiful 
Where Your streams of abundance flow 
Blessed be Your name 

Blessed Be Your name 
When I'm found in the desert place 
Though I walk through the wilderness 
Blessed Be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise 
When the darkness closes in, Lord 
Still I will say 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 

Blessed be Your name 
When the sun's shining down on me 
When the world's 'all as it should be' 
Blessed be Your name 

Blessed be Your name 
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise 
When the darkness closes in, Lord 
Still I will say 

Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name 
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 

You give and take away 
You give and take away 
My heart will choose to say 
Lord, blessed be Your name
Matt Redman
(listen to the song HERE)

Oh, how I love you, little one. So much. You are so so missed.
Love, Mama