waiting for Eliza

This is the post I have been intending to write this entire pregnancy. But I haven't. This is the post that has kept me from blogging all these months. I want so much to be honest and genuine in this space. To maintain a sweet balance of the happiness I truly do find in my "beautiful ordinary days", while at the same time not sugar-coating the hard times.

But sometimes it is really, really hard for me to find that balance.

So when I can't find it, I avoid it.

But here I sit 40 weeks, five days pregnant with our dear Eliza. A million and one thoughts are running through my head. Of course, at the forefront is how very anxious and excited I am to meet our sweet girl and to hold her in my arms! But in the back of my mind is also this nagging feeling of needing to try one last time before she is born to really write down some thoughts about my pregnancy with her.

So here I go. This might be messy...

July 17, 2011. We lost our sweet baby number three. Hands-down one of the hardest things that I have ever, ever gone through. Hands-down one of the hardest things my marriage has ever gone through. Even though I was only seven and a half weeks along, I grieved that baby like it was one that I had already met and held in my arms. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.

In the months that followed, I felt more depressed than I have ever felt. I am naturally a glass half-full kind of girl, an eternal optimist. But I didn't feel that hope and optimism for awhile. Just a whole lot of sadness.

But in late October, we found out we were pregnant again. And as crazy as it sounds, I felt my grief and sadness immediately replaced with so much joy. So much joy that I know it had to have come from God. It was such a night and day, 100% turn-around in my heart.

Yet even as I felt so much joy, I also felt fear.

Fear that kept me from wanting to announce my pregnancy to anyone for quite awhile- usually I shout it from the rooftops the second I know.

Fear that made every single doctor's appointment feel like I was walking the plank. Will we hear a heartbeat? What if they can't find it?

Fear that if I wasn't careful and protective, tried to steal every ounce of joy that this pregnancy gave me. 

I wish I could say that I was always faithful and intentional about giving the fear to the Lord.

Some days I was. And those were really, really good days. When I felt joy and hope and excitement about the new life that God was creating in me.

But I am sorry to say that too many days I kept the fear tightly clenched in my fists, afraid to give it to God, afraid to let go of control and just trust. 

I know in my heart that He truly knows what is best. That He is a God of love, only capable of operating out of His immense love for us. And that He is good.


I have still been so scared.

I have longed for the days when I was pregnant with Audrey and Elliot and did not feel the weight of this fear. I was so naive then, never really thinking that anything bad could happen to us.

But in the midst of my fears, the Lord has been so patient and loving with me. I have felt Him gently reminding me, reassuring me of His love over and over again.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." LAMENTATIONS 3:22

I have felt Him replace my fear with joy and hope over and over and over again. 

And even though this journey of grief and loss and coping with fear is never one I would have chosen for myself, I am thankful for everything it has taught me. And I am so thankful that I have a God that I can put my hope in.

And I am feeling so blessed and so loved by Him for the gift that Eliza is. She truly does fill my heart with so much joy! 

In these last days as I have prepared to meet Eliza, there are two songs that I have been playing over and over again. These two songs fill me with so much hope and so much joy as I anticipate Eliza's birth and seeing her sweet face.


Psalm 46 by Jenny & Tyler on Grooveshark

The Lord is my refuge and strength
therefore I will not be afraid
though the mountains give way
and fall into the sea
He will come and rescue me

The Lord comes to me at break of day
He reaches down to guide me in His way
though the oceans roar
in this dark and stormy sea

He will come and rescue me

Halleluyah. He is with me
Halleluyah. We cannot be moved
Halleluyah. He is with me
Halleluyah. I rest secure.

Be still and know that He is God
He will be exalted over all
Come and behold His strength and majesty
yet he will come and rescue me

Halleluyah. He is with me

Halleluyah. We cannot be moved

Halleluyah. He is with me
Halleluyah. I rest secure.

by Natalie Grant

Your Great Name (Acoustic) by Natalie Grant on Grooveshark

Lost are saved; find their way; 
at the sound of your great name  
All condemned; feel no shame, 
at the sound of your great name  
Every fear; has no place; 
at the sound of your great name  
The enemy; he has to leave;
 at the sound of your great name

Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us,
Son of God and Man  
You are high and lifted up;
that all the world will praise your great name

All the weak; find their strength; 
at the sound of your great name 
Hungry souls; receive grace; 
at the sound of your great name 
The fatherless; they find their rest; 
at the sound of your great name 
 Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; 
at the sound of your great name


Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty  
My savior, Defender, You are My King



  1. Our God is so amazing...just today during my lunchtime walk I prayed these things for you...
    Thank you for being genuine and open with your innermost thoughts.
    Cannot wait to see you tomorrow.
    "Perfect live casts out all fear". That "perfect" love is only found when we are centered on Christ, with out our trust in Him, we are nothing, we have no power, but HE overcame fear for you, and mr, when he died and rose again :)
    SO grateful you believe.
    Love you

  2. God has cultivated such a stunning beauty and strength in you, Andi, and I feel privileged to read these reflections of your heart. I am so excited and happy for you and your dear family to meet this sweet baby girl in such a short time now. Thank you for sharing your testimony of faith as you've made this journey this past year, and also for sharing these beautiful songs that are full of truth! Praying for you, friend! xo

  3. You're so beautiful -- inside and out.

  4. thank you for sharing my friend. i am reminded of a verse i found just recently...when i said "my foot is slipping" Your love supported me. when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.(ps 94:18-19) i too have had fear call my name far too often, but am slowly learning that God is so much bigger. i am so excited for you and your new little one. you are in my thots and prayers.

  5. Andi - this is so beautiful and encouraging, a true testimony of God's work to birth joy from our fears. Thanks for sharing those true, inner struggles, I can really identify and know I would feel so similar if I were to become pregnant again :)

    Blessings on you as you await your joyous little bundle! xo

    Philippians 3:14

  6. God knows and understands our fear...
    We lost our first son Cameron at 41 weeks, so when I fell pregnant again, we were fearful and anxious up until the very point when Angus (our second) was actually born alive and placed in our arms.
    Thank your for sharing your story.
    Remembering your precious third child with you.
    Ronnie xo