This is the post I have been intending to write this entire pregnancy. But I haven't. This is the post that has kept me from blogging all these months. I want so much to be honest and genuine in this space. To maintain a sweet balance of the happiness I truly do find in my "beautiful ordinary days", while at the same time not sugar-coating the hard times.
But sometimes it is really, really hard for me to find that balance.
So when I can't find it, I avoid it.
But here I sit 40 weeks, five days pregnant with our dear Eliza. A million and one thoughts are running through my head. Of course, at the forefront is how very anxious and excited I am to meet our sweet girl and to hold her in my arms! But in the back of my mind is also this nagging feeling of needing to try one last time before she is born to really write down some thoughts about my pregnancy with her.
So here I go. This might be messy...
July 17, 2011. We lost our sweet baby number three. Hands-down one of the hardest things that I have ever, ever gone through. Hands-down one of the hardest things my marriage has ever gone through. Even though I was only seven and a half weeks along, I grieved that baby like it was one that I had already met and held in my arms. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.
In the months that followed, I felt more depressed than I have ever felt. I am naturally a glass half-full kind of girl, an eternal optimist. But I didn't feel that hope and optimism for awhile. Just a whole lot of sadness.
But in late October, we found out we were pregnant again. And as crazy as it sounds, I felt my grief and sadness immediately replaced with so much joy. So much joy that I know it had to have come from God. It was such a night and day, 100% turn-around in my heart.
Yet even as I felt so much joy, I also felt fear.
Fear that kept me from wanting to announce my pregnancy to anyone for quite awhile- usually I shout it from the rooftops the second I know.
Fear that made every single doctor's appointment feel like I was walking the plank. Will we hear a heartbeat? What if they can't find it?
Fear that if I wasn't careful and protective, tried to steal every ounce of joy that this pregnancy gave me.
I wish I could say that I was always faithful and intentional about giving the fear to the Lord.
Some days I was. And those were really, really good days. When I felt joy and hope and excitement about the new life that God was creating in me.
But I am sorry to say that too many days I kept the fear tightly clenched in my fists, afraid to give it to God, afraid to let go of control and just trust.
I know in my heart that He truly knows what is best. That He is a God of love, only capable of operating out of His immense love for us. And that He is good.
But...
I have still been so scared.
I have longed for the days when I was pregnant with Audrey and Elliot and did not feel the weight of this fear. I was so naive then, never really thinking that anything bad could happen to us.
But in the midst of my fears, the Lord has been so patient and loving with me. I have felt Him gently reminding me, reassuring me of His love over and over again.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail."LAMENTATIONS 3:22
I have felt Him replace my fear with joy and hope over and over and over again.
And even though this journey of grief and loss and coping with fear is never one I would have chosen for myself, I am thankful for everything it has taught me. And I am so thankful that I have a God that I can put my hope in.
And I am feeling so blessed and so loved by Him for the gift that Eliza is. She truly does fill my heart with so much joy!
In these last days as I have prepared to meet Eliza, there are two songs that I have been playing over and over again. These two songs fill me with so much hope and so much joy as I anticipate Eliza's birth and seeing her sweet face.
Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of your great name All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of your great name Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name Chorus: Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name Chorus Bridge: Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty My savior, Defender, You are My King Chorus
I have always loved Valentine's Day, but this last February 14th was especially memorable and special for our little family because it was the day of my 20-week ultrasound. The day we would find out your gender.
Audrey and Elliot waited expectantly at my dear friend Chelle's house, while Daddy and I went to the ultrasound. On the way home, we picked up some balloons to announce the news to them in a special way. I am so thankful that Chelle was able to capture on camera the moment that Audrey and Elliot heard the news. They were so excited!
A little girl.
Oh dear one, I cannot begin to tell you what a joy it was to me to find out that we are having another girl. With my other pregnancies I can honestly say I never had a gender preference. But this time, something in my heart wanted another daughter (you!) so badly.
Before the ultrasound, I prepared myself to hear the news that we were having a boy. I prayed and prayed about it, asking the Lord to give me joy and to help me to be content either way. But I was so scared.
When the ultrasound tech told us we were having a girl, my heart literally felt like it was going to burst. I was so surprised! I think that I will always remember that moment as being a time when I felt really, really loved by God. I feel like He truly heard my cry and gave me the desire of my heart in you. Beautiful, amazing you.
Daddy and I have chosen to name you Eliza Grace.
Eliza means "pledged to God"; I love that meaning. I love it because that is my prayer for you- that as you grow up, your life would be lived for the Lord, pledged to Him. But I also love it because ever since the moment I knew you were coming, I have had to daily give you back to God, trusting Him with your life. Holding you with open hands because I know now more than ever before that my children are ultimately not my own, but His.
We chose Grace as your middle name for a few reasons. Our deepest prayer is that you would come to know Jesus and His grace. We pray that you will become a woman who gives grace to others. And we feel like you and your life are such a testament of God's love and grace in our own lives; you are such a gift from Him to us, sweet girl!
I am counting down the days until I get to meet you face to face and hold you in my arms. July cannot come fast enough! I love you so much, Eliza!
Life has slowly but surely been getting back to normal over here. This is the first week that has felt like a typical one since the miscarriage- no one visiting, no one moving (one of my best friends moved away last week), lots of normal things to do like laundry and making dinner and taking care of my kids. It feels really good to be doing normal things. But it also feels strange. The way life is just moving on while my heart is still stuck in one place.
Daytime is pretty easy. I keep busy with Audrey and Elliot, and busy with the endless to-list around the house. It is nighttime that is hard. Really hard. Ever since that first week, I have had trouble at night. When the house is quiet and still, my thoughts go crazy. Seemingly little things always set me off. Last night it was seeing a friend from highschool's ultrasound picture on facebook; a couple of nights ago it was flipping to the month of August in my planner and seeing every Thursday of the month with bold numbers on it- 10, 11, 12, 13. Each number signifying how many weeks pregnant I would be that particular week. Thankfully (I am so so thankful) I had only marked August, not the rest of the year!
Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am a night owl, through and through. I might be sleepy all day, but when the evening comes, I wake up. It is always my most productive time of day. But the last couple of weeks, once the kids are in bed and the sun goes down, I have gotten so mopey and depressed. Usually I read a lot at night, or work on my photography + editing, but I have had no motivation. I have been weepy and emotional. Tired, yet not tired enough to sleep. And I have been doing the silliest things to deal with it. Instead of being productive (cleaning, organizing, homeschool planning, editing photos) or at least doing something fun + happy (blogging, reading good books, spending time with the Lord or Erik), I have been watching ridiculous cheesy movies (I am embarrassed to admit that last night it was High School Musical 2...what?) and feeling sorry for myself. And while I know that this is just part of the process- I am grieving and it is alright to feel sad- I am starting to feel really worn out by all the sadness.
This morning the Lord reminded me of something. On January 1st of this year, I chose a little word to focus on in 2011: JOY. It was the first time I have ever felt like picking a word of the year and making it mine. I felt so strongly in my heart that this was going to be the year that I really learned what joy is and how to make it real in my life.
I haven't really kept up with blogging my journey with joy this year and I'm not sure why because God has taught me so much. And I see more clearly every day His amazing sovereignty in teaching me everything He did in the months leading up to this summer and the past few weeks. Everything He taught me about His love and His goodness and what joy truly is have been such a gift and given me so much hope as I have walked through this hard season. And I feel really strongly that I need to share more of my story, more of this journey I have been on this year to find joy. It is going to take some time- to sort out all of my thoughts and write it all out- but I promise to do it soon. The beginning of the story starts here.
That little reminder this morning, of how I asked God to teach me joy this year, has been on my mind and heart all day. I feel loved by the Lord and He has given me so much grace during this time. But I also feel really convicted- to take what I have learned and really allow the God to fill me with joy, even now while I am still grieving. But how?
I know a huge part of it will come by spending time with God, pouring out my heart to Him and reading His Word. I need time with Him more than ever right now, to keep my heart in the right perspective on His love and His plan for my life. Not to mention, I truly believe that He has so much He wants to teach me right now if I will only let Him. And I know so well that He is the one and only source of true joy.
But what else can I do? Especially during the evenings when I am hit with the grief the hardest?
I need to find beauty. I need to create beauty. My dear friend Rebekah wrote the most amazing, beautiful guest post today over on our friend Annalea's blog. I felt so inspired and challenged when I read about how she has used finding and creating beauty to bring joy to her days. It is such a simple truth- I mean finding beauty (especially through photography) is already a huge part of my life. My blog is named Beautiful Ordinary Day for that very reason! But I think sometimes I get so caught up in finding beauty and less focused on actually creating beauty. Being a stay-at-home mama and a wife gives me so many wonderful opportunities to create beauty in my home and for those I love. I have a feeling that if I focus on that a little more, I will find even more joy.
Oh, friends, thank you so much for all your love + prayers the other day! It was definitely a really long week, and your thoughtful words meant so much to me! I have spent all weekend trying to rest + recuperate so that I will be ready to take on Monday and a fresh start. I am determined to go into it with a better attitude, a bit more sleep, and a lot of prayer.
My husband took the little ones out for the afternoon, so I have had the last few hours all to myself and it has been so lovely! I hardly ever have alone time in my own house; usually I leave the house and go out to coffee or just run errands. It is a special treat to be in my own space with no one else home!
Over the past few days I have realized that I really need to take better care of myself. I think that it is so easy as mamas to just go, go, go all the time and keep so busy meeting the needs of our families that we neglect our own basic needs. So I have decided to dedicate the month of February to really taking care of myself:
FEBRUARY CHALLENGE :: 28 Days to a Healthier Me
01. Be more faithful in reading my Bible. One thing that I have found really helps me be more consistent with spending time in the Word is just to leave my Bible out on my kitchen counter during the day. I very rarely have time to read in the morning before my kids are awake, but I hate to wait until the evening because I really need the encouragement throughout my day! Having my Bible out where I can read a bit here and there has helped so much.
Another thing I am doing right now is memorizing the book of Colossians- two verses a week will get me through the entire book in one year.
02. Go to bed earlier. Oh, friends, this one is so much easier said than done. I am a night-owl through + through. I am tired pretty much all day (probably because I stay up too late!), but come 8 or 9:00pm, I am wide awake. I literally have to force myself to go to bed every night because I could easily stay up all night reading. But I know that getting more sleep would make me a much happier person and would make all the little things that come my way throughout the day so much easier to handle.
Early for me would be 11:00- lights out, so I am shooting for that right now, with the hopes that in a month or two I can get it even earlier...
03. Get up earlier. Besides just having more energy, one of the main reasons I want to work on getting to bed earlier is so that I can get up earlier. I hate getting up in the morning. Really it doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I always hate getting up. But it would definitely be easier if I was more rested! My husband is s true morning person and would absolutely love it if I got up earlier to have coffee with him before work, so that is a huge motivator for me. That, and hopefully getting a shower earlier in the day!
Right now I am shooting for getting up by 7:00am, with the goal of it eventually being 6:00am.
04. Cut back on sugar. I consider myself to be a pretty healthy eater, but when it comes to sweets...not so much. I know that I would have so much more energy if I was willing to cut back on how much sugar I was eating, it is just so hard to do!
Question for those of you who have cut back on sugar before: Do you think it is better to just go completely cold turkey or limit yourself to one sweet a day?
05. Move more. I know I need to exercise more. Plain + simple. What that looks like is going to vary from day to day, but I am going to try to do something active for at least 30 minutes a day.
06. Take note + be thankful for God in all the small things.
I am working my way through an amazing, beautiful book right now called, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Areby Ann Voskamp.Both on her blog and in the book, Ann encourages people to take the time to recognize all the little things God is doing in their lives and to write them down. Through acknowledging God's goodness + in giving thanks, we will find true joy in Him. And since cultivating JOYis one of my goals for this year, this seems a good place to start!
I have done this before- recording my blessings/things I am grateful for- but I have never kept it up long-term. Ann started with the goal of 1000 gifts, then when she reached 1000, kept on going. She is at over 2000 now and still counting.
I am starting fresh on February 1 and counting my way up to at least 1000. I wonder how long it will take? Much longer than just the month of February, I'm sure!
Here's a really lovely trailer for the book:
Anyone want to join me for my little February challenge?
Welcome 2011. I am so very glad you are here! 2010 was kind of a rough year and I am more than ready for a clean, fresh start. I love making my lists of resolutions + hopes for the upcoming year, but my main goal for this year is to cultivate a life of JOY. I am praying that the Lord will teach me this year what it truly means to have a joyful spirit.
