This is the post I have been intending to write this entire pregnancy. But I haven't. This is the post that has kept me from blogging all these months. I want so much to be honest and genuine in this space. To maintain a sweet balance of the happiness I truly do find in my "beautiful ordinary days", while at the same time not sugar-coating the hard times.
But sometimes it is really, really hard for me to find that balance.
So when I can't find it, I avoid it.
But here I sit 40 weeks, five days pregnant with our dear Eliza. A million and one thoughts are running through my head. Of course, at the forefront is how very anxious and excited I am to meet our sweet girl and to hold her in my arms! But in the back of my mind is also this nagging feeling of needing to try one last time before she is born to really write down some thoughts about my pregnancy with her.
So here I go. This might be messy...
July 17, 2011. We lost our sweet baby number three. Hands-down one of the hardest things that I have ever, ever gone through. Hands-down one of the hardest things my marriage has ever gone through. Even though I was only seven and a half weeks along, I grieved that baby like it was one that I had already met and held in my arms. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.
In the months that followed, I felt more depressed than I have ever felt. I am naturally a glass half-full kind of girl, an eternal optimist. But I didn't feel that hope and optimism for awhile. Just a whole lot of sadness.
But in late October, we found out we were pregnant again. And as crazy as it sounds, I felt my grief and sadness immediately replaced with so much joy. So much joy that I know it had to have come from God. It was such a night and day, 100% turn-around in my heart.
Yet even as I felt so much joy, I also felt fear.
Fear that kept me from wanting to announce my pregnancy to anyone for quite awhile- usually I shout it from the rooftops the second I know.
Fear that made every single doctor's appointment feel like I was walking the plank. Will we hear a heartbeat? What if they can't find it?
Fear that if I wasn't careful and protective, tried to steal every ounce of joy that this pregnancy gave me.
I wish I could say that I was always faithful and intentional about giving the fear to the Lord.
Some days I was. And those were really, really good days. When I felt joy and hope and excitement about the new life that God was creating in me.
But I am sorry to say that too many days I kept the fear tightly clenched in my fists, afraid to give it to God, afraid to let go of control and just trust.
I know in my heart that He truly knows what is best. That He is a God of love, only capable of operating out of His immense love for us. And that He is good.
But...
I have still been so scared.
I have longed for the days when I was pregnant with Audrey and Elliot and did not feel the weight of this fear. I was so naive then, never really thinking that anything bad could happen to us.
But in the midst of my fears, the Lord has been so patient and loving with me. I have felt Him gently reminding me, reassuring me of His love over and over again.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail."LAMENTATIONS 3:22
I have felt Him replace my fear with joy and hope over and over and over again.
And even though this journey of grief and loss and coping with fear is never one I would have chosen for myself, I am thankful for everything it has taught me. And I am so thankful that I have a God that I can put my hope in.
And I am feeling so blessed and so loved by Him for the gift that Eliza is. She truly does fill my heart with so much joy!
In these last days as I have prepared to meet Eliza, there are two songs that I have been playing over and over again. These two songs fill me with so much hope and so much joy as I anticipate Eliza's birth and seeing her sweet face.
Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of your great name All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of your great name Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name Chorus: Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name Chorus Bridge: Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty My savior, Defender, You are My King Chorus
I have always loved Valentine's Day, but this last February 14th was especially memorable and special for our little family because it was the day of my 20-week ultrasound. The day we would find out your gender.
Audrey and Elliot waited expectantly at my dear friend Chelle's house, while Daddy and I went to the ultrasound. On the way home, we picked up some balloons to announce the news to them in a special way. I am so thankful that Chelle was able to capture on camera the moment that Audrey and Elliot heard the news. They were so excited!
A little girl.
Oh dear one, I cannot begin to tell you what a joy it was to me to find out that we are having another girl. With my other pregnancies I can honestly say I never had a gender preference. But this time, something in my heart wanted another daughter (you!) so badly.
Before the ultrasound, I prepared myself to hear the news that we were having a boy. I prayed and prayed about it, asking the Lord to give me joy and to help me to be content either way. But I was so scared.
When the ultrasound tech told us we were having a girl, my heart literally felt like it was going to burst. I was so surprised! I think that I will always remember that moment as being a time when I felt really, really loved by God. I feel like He truly heard my cry and gave me the desire of my heart in you. Beautiful, amazing you.
Daddy and I have chosen to name you Eliza Grace.
Eliza means "pledged to God"; I love that meaning. I love it because that is my prayer for you- that as you grow up, your life would be lived for the Lord, pledged to Him. But I also love it because ever since the moment I knew you were coming, I have had to daily give you back to God, trusting Him with your life. Holding you with open hands because I know now more than ever before that my children are ultimately not my own, but His.
We chose Grace as your middle name for a few reasons. Our deepest prayer is that you would come to know Jesus and His grace. We pray that you will become a woman who gives grace to others. And we feel like you and your life are such a testament of God's love and grace in our own lives; you are such a gift from Him to us, sweet girl!
I am counting down the days until I get to meet you face to face and hold you in my arms. July cannot come fast enough! I love you so much, Eliza!
I came across this quote yesterday via Rosina W. Photography's instagram and I can't stop thinking about it. It has already been scribbled in my journal, and I am pretty sure it is also going to make it onto my fridge to keep in view as a constant reminder. I think it is one of those quotes that pretty much all of us can relate to, whatever season of life we are in.
"This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God's way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness."
-Elizabeth Elliot
Hope you are having a lovely week, sweet friends!
P.S. And thank you ever so much for all of the kind words about our happy news! All of us are completely over the moon excited and I can't wait to share more details soon! xo
My sweet girl turned six this last Saturday. Six! How can it even be possible?
I find that every single one of my children's birthdays is so bittersweet. Bitter in that they are growing up and it is so hard for me to let those baby days go; sweet in that the older they get the more I love them and love discovering who God created them to be.
This last Saturday we celebrated Audrey. My beautiful girl. I feel blessed beyond measure to not only be her mama, but to just know her. She is an amazing little girl. So creative and bright and just lovely in every single way. And I love that every day I am still learning new things about her.
I love how she has the most remarkable memory and is a wonderful storyteller. I love how obsessed she is with art and creating- it is one of the most beautiful things about her. I love how at any given time she has a million different collections- right now it is Strawberry Shortcakes, rocks, American Girl catalogs, coins from around the world, and cards + notes from family and friends. I love seeing how the Lord is working in her and heart and teaching her so much. I see Him answering so many prayers I have had for her in such amazing ways. I can't wait to see what God has in store for her and her life!
Here are some little peeks from her special day...
